Aggression in children

There is a widespread belief that aggression has no place in a child’s behaviour. As a concept in psychology, aggression does not carry solely and exclusively a negative and hostile intent. It is important to allow the child to show their disagreement or feeling of anger in a given situation.

Aggression is movement, the ability to reach what we want, the opposite of passivity. Through it we can assert ourselves and express ourselves, our thoughts, feelings and emotions. Aggression is the force that allows us to stand up to and cope with what lies ahead of us. When this natural reaction is blocked, held back for a long time or suppressed out of fear of retaliation, the inner conditions for reactive behaviour are created. The child’s inability to show what they feel leads to a build-up of aggression, which at some moment may be directed at the wrong person and with a force the situation does not call for. Children who are getting ready to leave the family environment need to develop the socially important skill of asserting themselves. Examples of assertiveness include asking for information, starting a conversation, and being able to respond to pressure with a force that fits the situation.

Unjustifiably aggressive behaviour can put learning at risk and lead to a lack of skills; because teachers are unable to cope with such children, these children end up rejected. Assertive behaviour can make learning easier and, accordingly, help to achieve better results.

Adults’ aggression can be expressed not only directly, but also by suppressing and disrespecting the child’s aspirations. By failing to understand the child’s unambiguous language and clear protests. The level of stress in the family, positive and negative interactions, problems at school, neurological or behavioural disorders and emotional trauma all influence whether children turn to aggressive, uncontrollable actions. Children model their behaviour by copying the adults around them, observing and imitating the ways others cope with their own fear and frustration.

Mass culture can also suggest coping strategies. What models are children exposed to on television or in their community? Which of them succeed and come out winning? When people try to solve problems with physical violence, children mistakenly take this for appropriate behaviour. They know nothing else.

Right after birth, children enter a world full of conventions and rules that they could not possibly have learned in advance. It is adults who teach them the “rules of the game”. Children lack the social skills and self-control to manage their behaviour. When they cannot find the words to express their aggressive feelings, or are not encouraged to express themselves, they become upset. They cannot overcome on their own the rising level of anger in themselves or in others.

Parents can create a sense of belonging to a healthy family environment in which the child feels safe and protected. We are the ones who will give the child the sense of being loved and very precious to us, by listening to what they say. This way the child will learn to share and to look for someone to talk to. The individual situations they tell us about are pictures that give an idea of their whole world. By telling us what has happened to them, the child is seeking support, praise or help. What they talk about often hides personal problems. To the child these are just as important as adults’ problems are to adults. Often the child has problems connected with personal experiences that parents are not aware of and even belittle and ignore. Sometimes the adults’ interest comes down to what is being done at school, how the child is doing there, whether they did as they were told, what marks they are getting, whether they have eaten… and that is all. From there on, the child is alone. What are their feelings, their emotions, their attitude towards friends, teachers, classmates?

We need to learn to accept the child’s refusal and to respect their NO. To let them cope on their own when they want to, to allow them to grow up.

Published in Zdravey magazine.