Parenting after separation or divorce: the visible side

These days there are couples who go through bitter and painful separations. Who suffers most?

The children, of course!

Recently we witnessed one such separation, which became public knowledge thanks to the media. The story gained wide and scandalous notoriety. It is the case in Asenovgrad: the father Bulgarian, the mother Polish. The children had become hostages to the adults’ inability to talk in an adequate way, to their inability to settle their personal relationship. Each of them wanted to hurt the other and cause them pain, acting solely out of personal interest, passing the children back and forth like rag dolls. In an extremely ugly way the father turned the children against the mother and vice versa; the children are now with the mother, where perhaps the same thing is happening: the mother is turning the children against the father.

Where is the truth here?

Where, in all this, is any thought for the child’s comfort?

Caught in the web of bitter rejection, hostility and shame created by their parents, children have few or no defences. They cannot protect themselves, set against the cliff of estrangement they run into, unable to “choose” one parent or the other.

Who should they be with at Christmas or on their birthday?

Children love both their parents. Their suffering is enormous and often constant, especially when they are forced to listen to one spouse’s destructive tirades about the other. Often, without realising it, we put children in front of difficult dilemmas and expect them to carry the weight of our choice. We also expect them to cope with their duties at school; we expect good results. We do not understand why they behave strangely and not the way we expect. We think we know them well, and yet they react differently.

What is happening?

We are the ones who have the conflict; it is ours. The child has nothing to do with it and does not need to take sides. We do not need to seek justice for ourselves through the child’s feelings, blaming each other.

In everyone’s interest, and above all in the child’s

• Find a specialist therapist so you can “let off steam” from your feelings of frustration, anger, hurt or loss.
• Never, under any circumstances, use your child as your confidant. Do not make your child keep anything as your secret.
• It is the parent’s responsibility to protect their child – not the other way round.
• Do not speak badly of your ex in front of your child. Children are devoted to both their parents. They have that right. It is normal.
• Take care of yourself during the separation or divorce. Divorce is a factor that causes very strong stress. It affects your mind, your body, your feelings and emotions. It weakens your immune system. Your self-esteem falls. You lose faith in a new relationship. The fear of loneliness appears. Seek help, and time to relax. Seek professional care, and friends and relatives who support you.
• Remember that this too shall pass. Do not fixate on small things.
• Do not blame yourself or feel ashamed, and do not tell yourself “never again”. You are still a worthwhile, valuable person, there is life after the separation, and you are not alone.

Co-parenting

If at all possible, take co-parenting lessons together with your ex. This is the best way to protect your children. The stakes are high for the whole family. The separated parents who succeed are those willing to set their own egos aside as much as possible, for the good of the children.

Children have endured a great deal of pain in the process of the separation. They have lived through their parents’ opposing positions and the negative statements made, and through the feeling of helplessness at being unable to change the situation for the better.

Children invariably blame themselves for having caused the separation, especially if the situation is not handled with dignity and respect, as so often happens.

Children need to be reminded that the divorce has nothing to do with them, that both parents, or those who care for them, love them very much, and that their well-being and security are of paramount importance.

Parents in such a situation often need help to keep clarity, to set boundaries and to be reminded of the basic guidelines for the well-being both of their children and of themselves.

Having the courage and the maturity to seek co-parenting counselling is a big and valuable step that needs to be taken. The benefits are enormous and the outcome is positive.